My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
