First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
