How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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