I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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