I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
