Got a toothbrush?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
