So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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