I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
3pm strippers are depressing
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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