I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
