I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize