how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
