I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
