1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
