It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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