I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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