My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
