Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
