I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
