Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
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And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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