you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
