The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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