Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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