Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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