I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
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and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
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Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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