She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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