I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
