Got a toothbrush?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
