i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
