Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
