Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
