life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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