No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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