i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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