Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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