Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
