Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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