Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
