I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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