I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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