I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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