i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
