Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
