regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
