Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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