You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
