At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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