if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
