first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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