"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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