The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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