So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
