Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
