Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
