He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
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In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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