My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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