Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
